Isn’t That Special?

I’ve heard this (or some variant) throughout my life, more times than I could ever count: “Your mother loved you enough to give you up.” I remember specific instances when this was said to me as a child. Hearing it now, at 52, I want to puke. It makes me physically nauseous.

This pseudo warm fuzzy statement is supposed to make me feel good, feel as though I was/am important. It does neither. If you are not an adoptee, think about how it would feel for someone to say that to you as a child about YOUR mother. Would you feel loved if your mother gave you up?

Just to put this into perspective, let’s try something - get up from your computer, walk to wherever your child is right this minute, lean over them and say, I can’t take care of you, but I love you so much, I’m going to give you away to someone who can.

Did you do it? Did your child burst into tears? Did they look at you with horror? Of course you didn’t get up and say that to your child and . Why? Because you know damn well that saying such a thing to your child would crush them, and it would devastate you to say it.

Go ahead, admit it, you’ll feel better. Promise.

As an adoptee, I have heard a plethora of platitudes, cliches and one-liners which are designed to dictate how I am supposed to feel about my own adoption. I have been told the following: (presented in no particular order)

• You’re so lucky.
• I wish I was adopted, my parents suck.
• You should be grateful, at least you’re not in an orphanage.
• How can you feel that way? Look at all the things your parents gave you!
• That’s so cool!
• Why would you want to search? They didn’t want you.
• You were chosen. That makes you special.
• You should be happy someone wanted you.
• Why aren’t you more grateful?
• Tell your parents they can adopt me. I’d be grateful for all the cool stuff they have.
• Why do you care about her ? She gave you away.
• Be grateful for what you’ve got.
• She didn’t want you then, why would she want you now?
• What’s wrong with you? You should just be thankful. There’s a lot of kids who don’t have a family.
• Adopted kids are all mentally deficient. Must be inbreeding.

If you think I’m kidding, think again. Sadly enough, these phrases only touch the tip of the iceberg. Most of them were said by adults, not by children.

I am 52 years old. I am a wife, a mother, a successful webmaster. I am a college graduate and have worked in the airline industry and hospitality. I have a masters degree. I am a philosopher. I own and operate the a women’s network, designed for southern women on the internet. You’re looking at it right now, reading this. I have a decent marriage, a home, 2 terrific grandkids, some food in my pantry and a gas in my car. I am grateful beyond all measure for these things.

I am also adopted. I can never be un-adopted. Aside from being born, it is the one event that most shaped how the rest of my life would unfold. I was born on one path, the path that involved my mother, then suddenly shoved down a new path - a path on which I would never see her again. A path that included none of my family or history. For this, I am to be grateful and comforted. Simply, by the idea that she loved me enough to - what? To never see me again? To never let me see her again? This is supposed to be a GOOD thing?

Tell me - would your son or daughter consider it a good thing if you sent them down a new path, one which did not include you?

So why should I consider it a good thing? Would you?

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