Flaming Karma

Part 1 of the Series : Dealing With The Hate Mail

Picture this: (and almost everyone has had the privledge at some point in their blogging/online life) I deal with lots of people on lots of levels and ineveitably at some point ….

The email in your inbox is  voluminous.

It is strongly worded…
It borders on insulting…
It is trying to force a point at you and…
Thirty people are copied on it.

dun dun dun…

The infamous  flaming email.

The writer is trying to forcefully push their point of view and solicit support from a broad array of managers and people with some stake in the issue.  The arguments will assert the unreasonableness of your position. And, often the messages will be very long with many points.

When you receive a flaming email, your first instinct may be to respond point by point. There is also the temptation to raise the ante as well. (I should probably take my own advice here)

The short answer is:

DON’T

Replying “in kind” to the email will lead to a chain of responses to a wider audience.  These email chains can go back and forth for days – each writer trusting that the email list will act as judge or jury to get the resolution desired. (Those of you old enough to remember Fabregé’s ear-worm commercial about they told two people and so on will relate here)

If you are the instigator, your behavior is mistaken. Even if you get your way on an issue through an email power play, it will lead to ill and less cooperation in the future. It will also hurt your relationship with those you cc’ed on the email.   Instead, if you disagree with another person at work, talk to them directly; Work toward a resolution. If the problem is one of choices, figure out who has the authority to make the decision in your group  for that issue and hold a meeting to discuss the issue.  If the problem is one of interaction, involve the appropriate persons, if its a work issue you might need to involve human resources.

All too often we fail to notice that we are playing the blame game. It’s a natural defense mechanism. Paying attention to how we respond when questioned about our actions orperformance is the first step in taking responsibility. Accepting responsibility for your actions,  sends a loud message to others. “I am a strong person, capable of handling my own actions . I do not play games. I am fully prepared for the challenges of my work, and additional responsibilities that come with it and possibly in the future .” Now isn’t that better than, showing mass amounts of disrespect to not only the thirty people you copied, but the original recipient of the email?

If you are the receiver of a flaming email, it is best to first talk to the person directly that same day if possible.  In some cases it may be necessary to send a short note (including the cc’s) to indicate that you want to talk face to face to discuss the issue and not through email.  However, sometimes short note back will encourage the author to respond with another long email re-iterating the same points so that they have the last word.  Don’t get drawn into an email war. Better to resolve it off line. High technology is great for informing but everything seems harsher when send in text. Better to meet face to face or voice to voice.

Flaming emails often lead to the spark that burns a much needed bridge. (Bridge burning is chock full of  raging inferno imagery for a reason. Honestly, it has little to do with setting the fire.) Take responsibility for your feelings, and your actions. It’s generally NOT  the case that someone’s out to get you.

You may be anxious to burn a bridge, to send that flaming email, but never forget that there is a human being on the other side.

Once you have worked out a resolution or even an approach to resolving it, then send out an email describing the solution or approach. That will give the closure to the original email.

Done?  Not quite.

Ask the author not to send out a flaming email again. And the next time you feel the urge to send that flaming email?  Don’t. Go ahead and write it, if it makes you feel better. But hands off that submit button. Once sent, the fire begins.  And the results aren’t usually the one(s) you were after.

Ever gotten a flaming email?  How did you deal with it?  Ever sent a flamer? Did you get the results you expected?  Sound off..We’re listening

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